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"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."



* If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.


* Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.


* Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.


* The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.


* Always do whatever's next.


* When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.


* Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.


* Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

ALSO at DBKP: * George Carlin: Comedian Dead at 71 * George Carlin: Twelve Amusing Questions by Carlin * George Carlin Quotes: 30 Observations by Carlin

* When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.


* Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.


* Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


* You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.


* One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.


* One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.


* I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.


* Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.


* Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.


* May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.


* I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.


* Women like silent men; they think they're listening.


* I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."


* I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.


* Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.


* I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.


* If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.


* I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.


* There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.


* The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.


* Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.


by Mondoreb
Sources:
* George Carlin Quotes
* George Carlin Quotes
* lesliehawes

George Carlin, of the "seven words you can't say on television" fame, died of heart failure Sunday. Carlin was admitted to St. John's Health Center in Santa Monica and died shortly before 6 pm, according to reports.

Carlin had a history of heart problems and was admitted after complaining of chest pains. He was 71.

He earned five Emmy nominations, as well as several gold records.

The comedian, who toured college campuses for years and made a name for himself using dirty language and delivering biting social commentaries, had released 22 solo albums and three bestselling books.

He finished a show at The Orleans in Las Vegas last week and was planning to take the month off to relax and work on a new book of essays and musings, Abraham said.

Carlin normally took summers off and was scheduled to begin touring again beginning with a July 20 performance at Humphrey's Concerts By The Bay in San Diego. He had dates lined up through December, Abraham said.

"He was looking forward to it," his publicist, Jeff Abraham said.

Carlin went to the hospital Sunday afternoon because "his heart just didn't feel right," the publicist said.

Carlin was famous for such observations as, "Why is it you park in a driveway and drive on parkway?"

"There are three ingredients in my comedy," he said in a 1991 interview with the Los Angeles Times. "Those three things which wax and wane in importance are English language and wordplay; secondly, mundane, everyday observational comedy -- dogs, cats and all that stuff; and thirdly, sociopolitical attitude comedy."

According to some sources, Carlin's observations, especially his political ones, seemed to have grown more bitter with age.

George Carlin, Rest in Peace.

by Mondoreb
image: comedycentral
Source:
* * George Carlin Farewell

Albert Hofmann, the inventor of the mind-blowing, day-tripping drug LSD, has passed on to another reality.

LSD inspired millions in the 1960s hippie generation to "turn on, tune in, drop out".

Hofmann was 102. He died yesterday at his home in Burg im Leimental, Switzerland, where he retired to in 1971.

LSD may have been banned and blamed for the corruption of youth, but Hofmann defended his invention with the zeal of a father.

"I produced the substance as a medicine. ... It's not my fault if people abused it," he once said.

The Swiss chemist discovered lysergic acid diethylamide-25 in 1938 while studying the medicinal uses of a fungus found on wheat and other grains at the Sandoz pharmaceuticals firm in Basel.

He became the first human guinea pig of the drug when a tiny amount of the substance seeped onto his finger during a laboratory experiment on April 16, 1943.

"I had to leave work for home because I was suddenly hit by a sudden feeling of unease and mild dizziness," he subsequently wrote in a memo to company bosses.

He said his initial experience resulted in "wonderful visions."

"What I was thinking appeared in colors and in pictures," he told a Swiss television network for a program marking his 100th birthday two years ago. "It lasted for a couple of hours and then it disappeared."

But then Hofmann experimented with a larger dose and went on a "bad trip".

"Everything I saw was distorted as in a warped mirror," he said, describing his bicycle ride home. "I had the impression I was rooted to the spot. But my assistant told me we were actually going very fast."

"The substance which I wanted to experiment with took over me. I was filled with an overwhelming fear that I would go crazy. I was transported to a different world, a different time," Hofmann wrote.

Pharmaceutical giant Sandoz sold LSD 25 under the name Delysid and promoted it to doctors, urging them to try it themselves. It was hoped that LSD would be an important treatment for mental illnesses.

LSD was one of the strongest of medicines: a couple of grams was enough to drug 20-40,000 people for up to 12 hours.

Hofman lived long enough to applaud the decision by Swiss authorities last year to allow LSD to be used in therapy experiments.

There was no word if the funeral music will include selections by the Jefferson Airplane or the Grateful Dead.


by Mondoreb
image: wikipedia
Source: Albert Hofmann, Father of drug LSD, dies in Switzerland


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