"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."
* If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
* Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
* Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
* The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
* Always do whatever's next.
* When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
* Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
* Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
ALSO at DBKP: * George Carlin: Comedian Dead at 71 * George Carlin: Twelve Amusing Questions by Carlin * George Carlin Quotes: 30 Observations by Carlin |
* When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
* Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
* Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
* You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
* One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
* One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
* I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
* Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
* Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
* May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
* I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
* Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
* I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."
* I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
* Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
* I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
* If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
* I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
* There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
* The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
* Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
by Mondoreb
Sources:
* George Carlin Quotes
* George Carlin Quotes
* lesliehawes
Instructions for a fun time on the interstate.. ......... ....
Step 1. Tie balloons to car.
Step 2. Drive like a bat out of hell....
Step 3. Watch people freak out!!!!
by RidesAPaleHorse
image: hillcountrychurch; RAPH
Source: The Most Fun You Can Have with a Car, Some Balloons, and 60 Miles of Interstate
DBKP.com - Bigger, Better!.
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you serious? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
________________________________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doct or?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
Ok...this was just too good to pass up.
by RidesAPaleHorse
image: RAPH
Source: Disorder in the American Courts
Actual Court Transcripts: They Said What?
DBKP.com - Bigger, Better!.
Death by 1000 Papercuts Front Page.
Click on ad to enlarge
by RidesAPaleHorse
[graphic: RAPH]
Death by 1000 Papercuts Front Page.
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say 3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 6. Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus? 7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 11. Bush Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead 12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told 13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree 16. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter 17. War Dims Hope for Peace 18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge 21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space 23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Some chuckles a day...
1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
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