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Tales of the Blancasphere



Hillary has been doing my work again. It's not that she has been trying to derail Barack Obama using the tactics we used against her and Bill in '90's. It's not that she has been trying her best to make him unelectable. It's not even that she has been sinking her own party. It's that she has been so stupid to let the right manipulate her and play her like a cheap guitar.

She is the gift that keeps on giving--to the vast right wing conspiracy, of which I have been a loyal member. And here's the best part, she has been befriended by members of the right, like Richard Mellon Scaife. Others, like Sean Hannity, have come to her aid. She has even appeared on Bill O'Reilly twice. Thank heaven she's just that dumb.

You see, Hill doesn't understand that the only reason we are being so nice to her on the right is that we really, really, really want to run against her in the fall. We really can't run against the black guy, because most of us can't say "black" without sounding like we are card carrying members of the Ku Klux Klan. Which is just totally unfair to us. Many of us, like myself, stopped carrying the cards a long time ago and just attend the weekend rallies and weenie roasts. Nothing says good eating like a weenie roasted over a burning cross!

Hill doesn't understand that as soon as the primaries are over, and she is the nominee, we will come down on her like Larry Craig on a teamster at a truck stop bathroom. We have years of material saved up, chirons we are itching to splash across the television screens of America, stories saved up about how she murdered Vince Foster, killed some teenagers in Arkansas, and smuggled drugs in and out of South America.

What she doesn't know won't hurt Fox News' ratings in the fall. When the Fox News Network becomes all Hillary bashing all the time.

So I raise my glass to you Hillary. Thanks for doing my job for me. See you in Denver, when we totally rip you a new one!

by Blanca DeBree
image: blancasphere
Source: Ann Endorses Hillary

Tales from the BlancaSphere


The Honorable Mike Huckabee

Dear Mr. Huckabee:

As a woman of faith and woman of size I believe in only the right, moral things in life. As a man of faith and a former man of size, I am sure you can relate.

Our country and party is currently at a crossroads. Due to events beyond our control, insane forces have overtaken our party and have chosen an evildoer as our presumptive nominee for President in 2008. Those of use who are true conservatives find ourselves sharing a moment of sorrow with our Lord and Savior from 1 Chronicles 1:25.

John McCain claims that he is the natural choice for Commander Guy, because he has the experience, which will keep us save from the Islamofanaticfascistterristas. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Having a man like John McCain as President is not going to protect the country if we piss off the Almighty. I mean that is why we were attacked in the first place, because of abortion, gays, and the ACLU. I mean that’s what Jerry Falwell said, and I believed him, even though God decided to take him from us because of his love of fatty, fatty food.

God will punish us all for voting for John McCain, who believes not only in evolution, but also in global warming, and gravity. It does my heart good to hear that not only don’t you do math, but that you do do miracles. Can you also promise not to do science, medicine, or polemic philosophy?

At least with you we can be assured there won’t be any gay bathroom sex. You can assure us of that, can’t you? Never mind, let’s just stick to don’t ask, don’t tell, shall we?

And what a refreshing thing it will be to have your wife as the First Lady. For far too long, First Ladies have been refined and beautiful. With your wife we will finally have a first lady who represents real American women: fat, ugly, and as flat chested as an eight-year-old.

And no one really cares about your son hanging stray dogs. I mean who hasn’t hanged a stray dog in their youth? At least he didn’t do drugs. You can assure us of that, can’t you? Oh, never mind.

So I urge you to run as a conservative for the Conservative Party of America (CPA). Please don’t let the initials scare you. We promise not to make you do math. With Jesus doing the tallying of the votes, courtesy of Diebold, we have nothing to do but plan the inaugural balls. Sorry, I didn’t mean to use profanity like that. I meant to say dances. Oh, I forgot. Dancing is a sin. To avoid controversy and the wrath of God, let’s just agree to have inaugural quiltings and spelling bees.

The CPA will be comprised of the best from all the political parties and spectrums in this great nation. From the social conservatives, who believe in the infallibility of The Bible and the fallibility of physics, to the Southerners, who hold on to tradition—you know, the kind that was to egregiously taken from us by the Thirteenth Amendment.

Together, fundamentalists and first amendmentalists will join hands with the neo Cons and the neo Nazis. The parties of Lincoln and Reagan will combine forces with the parties of Thurmond and Davis. United we will be unstoppable.

Praise Jesus and burn the Constitution!

And just like the crowds cheered for another Son of the South, who also had deficiencies in the counting sciences, crowds will soon call out to you “Run, Hucky, Run!”

As a life-long Republican, I can no longer sit idly by and watch as John McCain sucks the life blood out of my party like some kind of vampire or bad porn actress.

The time has come to act. Some men are born to greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them. And still others fall ass backwards into greatness like a pile of dog shit on the sidewalk. You sir, are of the latter group. God is calling, and so is your nation.

We await your announcement with great anticipation.

Sincerely,

Blanca Elizabeth DeBree

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A Tale from the BlancaSphere



It's official. The party of Lincoln is dead. The party of Reagan has been on life support for some time and is not expected to recover.

Over the past two years I have watched my beloved party become a cesspool of impropriety.

If it wasn't mens room toe tapping, it was underage page picking up.

If it wasn't bribery scandals, it was lobbyist scandals.

It it wasn't drunken uncontrolled spending, it was drunken uncontrolled drinking.

Where did we go wrong? I mean all we asked for was complete unquestioned authority. We didn't need checks and balances. That's for pussies. We certainly didn't need any kind of an opposition party. That kind of crap is for Old Europe. This is the New World Order, and we can write our own rules.

It looked good there for a while. We managed to have it all. Commander Guy was at the helm, we had Tom Foley running the show in the House, and in the Senate, with the VD in charge. We had it our way.

Then came that bastard Jim Jeffords. I will never forgive him. He threw the Senate back to those Democrats, and it looked like we were going to have to compromise and cooperate.

But then, as if to answer our prayers, came 9/11. Oh, I remember it just like yesterday. It was great. We once again had complete control of everything. It was finally in vogue to just do what we told you. Man, that was cool!

Then came Iraq. It looked great at first. I mean we owed it to the Decider for saving us from the al Queda by reading that book to those children in Florida. He deserved to have a war. That way he got to play dress up and fly onto that aircraft carrier.

Just thinking about his cod piece gets this girl's blood flowing!

And then things started to go south. Iraq was no longer the fun and games we thought it would be. The shine was coming off, and underneath it looked like bad primer. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.

And then it got ugly. The populace turned on us. They started to hiss at us. Even our proxies, like Ann Coulter were getting pies in the face.

Then, it became downright scary. People blamed us for Katrina. Damn those black folk drowning on us like that! And damn those TV choppers with cameras! Why didn't those NOLA folks have the decency to drown when no one was filming?



People seemed to get all testy about our knowing better about life ending issues than a husband and his wife. I don't understand, but they just didn't like us passing a law that applied to one brain dead chick in Florida. I think that was the moment when the wheels came off.

Then all those sex scandals made us look really bad. It was getting to the point a Republican couldn't even try to pick up a prostitute in a bar without getting fingered--and not in the good way.

I mean what is the world coming to when you can't pick up the phone and have your gay male gigolo come over for some oil "massages" and crystal meth?

So here we stand, with our presumptive nominee for 2008 a RINO, a poser, a wannabe. And our Commander Guy has finally succeeded where no other President has. His approvals are the lowest ever. I think it is time to start the funeral pyre and get out while the getting is good.

I have been working on my plea to have Mike Huckabee run as a third party candidate. All conservatives should join me, for the sake of the union. This new party will embrace all the finer things about the Republican party, and bring together true neoconservatives, true religious conservatives, and all the groups which hate all the right people. We will call it the Conservative party, because Nazi was already taken.

Together we can forge ahead into the 16th Century, when men were men, and women were property.

Actually, a lot of men were property, too.

It will be great. It will make the Ghost of Jerry Falwell proud. I'm sure he'll be looking up at us and smile as his dreams of anal invasion are fulfilled for all eternity.



by Blanca DeBree

A Tale from the BlancaSphere



Fidel Castro has resigned as President and Commander in Chief of Cuba. To quote my favorite gay epileptic from "Fox and Friends," Steve Doucy, this is huge!

With the last reason to vote Republican, save Gloria Estefan's almost parasitic affection for Commander Guy, Cuban-Americans are now reflecting on their political choices for the past 47 years.

The Miami-landed Cubans have opposed anything Democrat ever since the Bay of Pigs.

For anyone under 100, the Bay of Pigs was a bay with pigs in it. Oh, yeah, President Kennedy did something with those pigs, or the bay or something. Quite honestly, I can't remember, and I am sure no one still breathing without a respirator in Florida can't, either.

These Cuban-Americans have voted for Republicans ever since, in some misguided hope that we would end the reign of Castro and bring freedom and capitalism to Cuba. Actually, I don't think they were all that concerned with the freedom, they just wanted a return to capitalism and to be compensated for all the stuff stolen from them by Castro.

In this I am in solidarity with my little Cubano brethren. My family knows what it is like to have property stolen from them by a government. Thank you very much, Mr. Lincoln.

And what has all this loyalty to my party of choice brought the Cubans over this nearly five decades? Let's do a quick check, shall we?

In the same time period we have seen an end to the Cold War and a restoration of democracy to Europe, the unification of Germany, and the entry of many Eastern Bloc countries into NATO.

Cuba still has all those old cars.

Vietnam, our former enemy, is now a trading partner with the United States. Any visit to Ikea will reveal the wide variety of products from this Southeast Asian country, from woven baskets, to woven placements, to woven baskets of a different size and shape.

Americans can even visit the country and tour the notorious Hanoi Hilton. For five dollars, you can stay overnight in the John McCain suite, which includes a slop bucket and generous hole in the floor for your every bio need.

Americans can't go to Cuba unless it is for humanitarian or journalistic purposes. Try to bring back a Cuban cigar from Canada, and get thrown in--ironically enough--Guantanimo.

The Soviet Union is no more, and Putin is our friend. Well, he is more like a friend with privileges, if those privileges include poisoning people, buzzing our ships, and spying on us.

But he's a good man.

Commander Guy looked into his soul and saw it. He was plastered at the time, but he saw it.

Republican Presidents have refused to even talk to Fidel Castro over all these years.

So in the end, what has all this devotion to the Republicans bought the Cubans? Well, it seems that 47 years of boycotts and snubs have accomplished nothing and that Castro's colon finally won the battle.

Time will tell whether things change in Cuba. Don't hold your breath.

We will have to wait for a second colon attack, this time Raoul's.

by Blanca DeBree
image: blancasphere
Source: Bye Fidelity

Tales from the BlancaSphere



CNN is having their Ballot Bowl 08 right now, covering the last four candidates in the race to the White House 2008. Like sudden death or March Madness, this blow by blow color commentary on the election reads like the old Lower Expectations skit on "Mad TV" on Fox.

Each of the campaigns is trying to portray themselves as being the underdogs, the little guy, the long shot in a race, which is almost neck and neck on the Democrat side, and on the Republican side it truly is looking like David and Goliath--the Bible story, not that campy claymation kids television show from the 1970's put on by the Lutherans.

Personally, I am getting tired of this race to the bottom. Everyone is trying to make it look like they don't have a chance, just in case they lose one, so they can at least say they never thought they were going to win in the first place.

Look, as far as McCain is concerned, he is unfortunately going to be the nominee. He will lose in the general election, I am sure. God is punishing us Republicans for not choosing a real conservative. We are about to spend our four years in the desert, wandering around like a bunch of Jews without a GPS.

Although Mike Huckabee has Jesus on his side, I think Jesus is planning to take a fall. I wouldn't be surprised if the Almighty has placed a sizable wager against Mike, in hopes of at least cashing in on our damnation. At least Mike will get raptured pretty soon, if that is any small consolation.

Hillary Clinton is acting like she is the long shot. She cries, claims poverty, and loans herself money. My God, I don't know if I am watching a Clinton or the Pope when she's on TV. Let's get one thing straight.

Hillary is not a long shot. Behind her is the largest political organization in the history of the United States. It makes the Chicago political machine look like a Cub Scout jamboree.

And as far as Barack Obama is concerned, he has perhaps the greatest enthusiasm since JFK. Quite honestly, if it is him and McCain, not only will I support Barack, but Barack will wipe the floor with that son's of a bitch sorry white ass.

Stay tuned for the results of today's contests. Tomorrow is Maine, and then on to Tuesday with the Beltway Bowl.

by Blanca DeBree
image: blancasphere
Source: Underdog

Democrat Delegate Total

Tales from the BlancaSpere



Barack Obama has won Maine, by 18 points over his rival, Senator Hillary Clinton. This makes this weekend a clean sweep for Obama.

We go into Tuesday's Beltway Bowl with O-mentum.

Hillary Clinton has fired her campaign manager and may do other shake ups. Look for more firings, and possible hissy fits after Tuesday, when she is expected to lose all three contests.

According to MSNBC, Barack Obama currently has 943 pledged delegates. Hillary Clinton has 895. John Edwards has 26. To win the nomination, 2,025 delegates are needed. Of these 842 are super delegates, which are not chosen, and are not pledged to any candidate. They are made up of party officials, governors, senators, representatives, former Presidents, and they can change they vote at any time.

Most Democrats are worried that neither candidate will go into the convention with enough delegates to capture the nomination, making the super delegates necessary for this first time ever.

Super delegates were created after the disaster of the McGovern nomination. Super delegates were meant as a safety mechanism to prevent the unelectable from being nominated. Strangely, they were never used for Mondale, Dukakis, or Kerry.

Democrats are afraid that Obama could capture the popular vote and carry more delegates than Clinton, but that the super delegates could throw the nomination to her. Since super delegates are party insiders, and the Clintons have more pull than the Obamas, this is a very real danger.

But there is a magic number. If Obama goes into the convention with 1184 delegates, even if every single super delegate votes for Clinton, she will not have enough for the nomination. So as of this moment, if Obama can rustle another 241 delegates, he will have the nomination by default.

And then there are the 26 delegates of Edwards. John will endorse tomorrow. It is expected that he will endorse Obama, who is seen more progressive and more pro-labor than Clinton. Since under Democrat rules those delegates are Edwards' to do with as he pleases, he could give those delegates to Obama, enriching his delegate count, and inching him closer to the nomination.

Who thought that the road to the White House would be most exciting via the Denver, Colorado. The Republican race has been so horrible, I am blocking the whole thing from my memory. However with Clinton and Obama, this thing is better than a soap opera or a Broadway musical with full frontal nudity.

by Blanca DeBree
image: blancaspere
Source: Obama wins Maine